Dear Paxton,

You change every single day.  I only had 6 weeks off of teaching to be with you.  Your Grammy said I need to think about how lucky I am to have that much and how great it will be to spend the whole summer with you.  I still cried every time someone mentioned going back to work.  I feel like I’ve been called to be a teacher, and I feel like I’ve been called to be a photographer, but nothing compares to being your mom.  A huge wave of jealously wrapped me up with several of my friends who were able to stay home with their kids.  It simply wasn’t in the cards for us.  We needed both paychecks to make sure you were taken care of.  

Grammy came and helped a ton during my maternity leave.  I was a nervous wreck at first.  I was so scared I was going to do something wrong and “break” you.  You were so fragile and so perfect.  I panicked at every sniffle and grunt.  You slept in a little bouncy seat in our bedroom, and then in a nap nanny in bed with us.  I would lie awake all night making sure you were breathing.  Eventually, your dad decided it was time to move you into your crib.  I would’ve kept you right next to me forever. You did awesome from the beginning.  But then I just stared at the monitor all night long.  So then your dad and your Grammy decided to put the monitor away.  You would let me know when you were hungry.  And you always did.

Here are some of the first pictures I took of you in my studio…

I planned on doing more, but the studio was freezing, so we decided to come back another day.  Here are a few of your real newborn pictures…

And these are some candids from our first few weeks together.  You spent 75% of your day asleep on my chest, and I was completely ok with that.

On Valentine’s Day, I took you to school to meet the teachers.  I planned on introducing you to my class, but we were right in the middle of flu season.  Instead, I took their treats down and told them they would meet you later.

Those 6 weeks were incredible.  I found that I function quite well on sleep deprivation.  You would nurse every 2-2 1/2 hours during the day, and would go some longer stretches at night.  In the middle of the night feedings, your dad would get you, change you, and bring you to me.  Sometimes I would nurse you in bed, and other times I would take you out to the living room and watch countless episodes of “A Baby Story” while you ate. You were an easy going baby and didn’t cry unless you were hungry or tired.

 I had 3 weeks back at school to teach before Spring Break.  Grammy and Grandma Connie were going to take turns watching you until then.  I knew you were in good hands, but going back to school was one of the hardest things I’ve done.  It’s crazy to think about how much I dreaded going back to teaching, and teaching is a job I love.  I can’t imagine how moms go back to jobs they don’t like.  There were several times I thought we were going to be selling our house and raising you in a tent because I wasn’t going to be able to go back to work.  I asked the Principal if I could teach with you in a carrier.  I assured her you wouldn’t be a distraction to my 21 first graders. 🙂

I love you,

Your mom.