Dear Paxton,

I hope you’re ready for this one.  It’s going to be a little deep. 🙂

In general, people hate change.  They cling to what they know and where they feel comfort.  I can’t say that I hate all change.  I’m a fly by the seat of my pants type of lady.  Your daddy plans everything out and is the “organizer” of the two of us.  I like to explore.  He likes a map. I’m artistic, he’s logical.  Change can excite me at times.  I like to switch up my morning routine.  I might brush my teeth first one day and wash my hair first the next.  It’s my way of not getting stuck in a rut.  I think it’s fun to just not know what I’m going to be doing on any given day.  But, I don’t like surprises for the most part.  I never have.  Maybe it’s the fact that I’m afraid I’ll react the wrong way, or that I might not be ready for what’s to come.  Maybe it’s the fact that surprises lead to expectations, and expectations to disappointments. This next year is going to be full of change for our family (more on that later) and that excites me.  But I don’t like surprises.

I can’t say it’s a huge surprise, but I got the phone call from Grammy that I’ve been tiptoeing around.  I was walking the high-wire between two narrow platforms trying to stomach that it was going to happen, and that it would be a blessing, and also wanting so selfishly for things to just work out.  No matter what I had planned or what I wanted, Great Grandma met Jesus last night.

There are so many blessings in this, and one of the biggest is: she met you.  I didn’t know if that was going to happen.  She adored you, and through her late stages of dementia, she would ask me over and over, “Honey, did you ever imagine something (having you) could bring you so much joy?”  No Grandma, I didn’t.

Here’s some of my favorite memories about your Great Grandma.

Growing up, she used to let me watch movies every time I spent the night with her.  But not just any movies.  She had a shelf of old VHS tapes.  (I’m pretty positive these will be non-existent by the time you are old enough to read this).  I had a rotation going that went something like this: Monday- Wizard of Oz, Tuesday- Wizard of Oz, Wednesday- Wizard of Oz, Thursday- Maybe Black Beauty, or maybe Wizard of Oz, Friday- Wizard of Oz, Saturday- Wizard of Oz, and Sunday-Wizard of Oz.  If your Uncle Logan spent the night, it totally messed up my plans, but I’m still amazed that day after day, that woman put up with me.  Apparently, between ages 6-12, I didn’t like change. She would sit me down with a TV tray, give me 4 ritz crackers and a small glass of orange juice.  I can still taste that orange juice.

We went to her house every Christmas Eve.  We would watch for Santa Clause out the window by her steps.  She would show us the reindeer tracks in her front yard and we could always pick out Rudolph’s nose in the sky.

Hardees.  I sure hope Hardees is still around when you read this.  Not because they have the highest quality of food, but for the memories.  Back in the day, Hardees used to have roast beef sandwiches that were deliciously juicy.  We’d go through the drive-thru, get a couple (with curly fries, of course) and a chocolate milk shake. The milk shakes were so thick you almost couldn’t use a straw. She would take your Uncle Logan and I to a small park in Clinton, and we’d eat.  It’s such a silly memory, but it’s still important to me.

The beauty shop.  Grandma worked at a beauty shop for a million years.  I’m not even exaggerating.  She loved what she did, and everyone loved her.  Even in her last days, she was still wanting to go to the shop.  She was a social butterfly, and all things “girly” in my life, came from Grandma.  She was the source of my hair dying adventures (that didn’t always turn out so well), my first perm (that should’ve never been suggested) and my slight love for make-up.  She believed in putting on your best red lipstick before you walk out the front door, even if you were just going to the mailbox.

As I got a little older, I gradually started weaning myself off the Wizard of Oz.  That’s when scary movie nights started.  Once every couple of months, Grandma and I would rent a scary movie, pop some microwave popcorn (we both liked Kettle Korn the best) and scare ourselves silly. Just her and I.  Just her and I, and the blanket I would hold over my face so I didn’t have to really watch the movie.

Finally, I want you to know that she loved with everything she had.  She spread herself thin and gave every ounce of her being into making sure everyone around her was happy, was comfortable, and knew they were loved.  She didn’t have the easiest childhood and she certainly didn’t have the easiest last few years of her life, but she loved, and she loved hard.  God has an extra set of wings for people like her.

Life is changing, and change can be good.  Yesterday morning, for the very first time, you waved bye-bye at me.  I was almost late to work because it amazed me.  It’s change.  You have two teeth now and when you smile, you push against them with your tongue.  It’s so cute.  It’s change.  You’ve started going from the scooting position, to throwing yourself forward (face planting on some pretty rough surfaces), rolling over onto your back, and then scooting wherever you need to go.  I call it reverse crawling.  It’s change. When I pick you up out of your crib, I don’t just hold you, but you hold me back now.  It’s change.

In two short days, you will go to your first funeral.  You will be in my arms (or probably Grammy’s or Aunt Kelsey’s because I never get to hold you when they are around) and you will bring joy to a whole bunch of people.  We will talk about memories and you will smile with your little tooth poking up from your swollen gums.  We will hug countless people, accept countless condolences, and listen to countless chuckles from you.  It will be change. We will wipe away tears as we smile at your dancing eyes, your chubby cheeks, and your deep belly laugh.   I can’t help but think about Grandma saying, “Honey, did you ever imagine something could bring you so much joy?”  No, Grandma, I didn’t.

Death is a sticky subject.  Your mommy doesn’t handle it well at all.  I can only pretend that I can protect you in a bubble of life and that you won’t experience the heartbreak of hearing a family member or friend has died.  It’s the kind of change I don’t care for.  Especially if it’s in the form of a surprise.  Here’s what I can tell you: Death is the reminder that this “life” we live is so temporary.  Pack everything you can into this temporary home, but know the true joy will come after.  Love hard.  Eat too many snacks and watch too many of your favorite movies.  Watch a couple scary movies every once in a while.  Always look for reindeer prints in the snow.  Wear your red lipstick, even if you’re going to get the mail or taking the garbage out.  Love hard, my girl.

I love you,

Your mom.

Dear Paxton,

I made it through the first week.  It was questionable at times, but I made it.  I just wrote to you, but you have already changed so much since then.  Your first little tooth poked through on August 17th, and you are what seems like minutes away from number 2 coming.  You roll all over the place, but have no interest in crawling.  I’m pretty sure you will be a scooter instead of a crawler.  You like to sit on the floor and rock back and forth trying to get where you’re going.  You’ve started eating way more food, most recently, chicken and then eggs.  And the biggest change in our lives…Katie. 🙂

You loved going to daycare, and we had a really great experience last year after I went back to work.  And then summer happened.  You learned to nap in your own crib.  You learned where your comfort zone was, and I learned where mine was…at home.  I simply couldn’t let myself remove you from the place where we both are most comfortable…at home.  I had major anxiety about going back to school, and spent quite a few nights crying myself to sleep asking your Dad if there was ANY way at all, that I could stay home with you.  I was simply lost.  I knew it wasn’t really an option, but in my head, neither was packing you up every morning and having you nap in a pack-n-play and going from being one-on-one with me to a group of kids.  And then I did the first thing I should’ve done…  I let God have it.

This is probably my biggest struggle in life.  I let worrying consume me and try to have control over everything.  I spend a lot of time lying in bed thinking “what if?”  (This is something I pray you don’t get from me.)  After several nights of crying and going through all the scenarios, I finally said, “God, it’s yours.  You know my heart.  Take care of my girl.”  I asked for a sign, even though I’ve always thought that was a silly thing to do.  I’ve always thought that was silly, because I would “look” for signs in whatever I thought the answer should be.  For example, I might pray for a sign on whether or not I should accept a job, buy a new car, eat an ice cream cone (ok, I don’t really do that…you don’t need a sign to know if you should eat ice cream.  The answer is always yes.)  But I would ask for signs and then I would see a butterfly, or the word “yes” somewhere and think, that’s it!  This is what His plan is for me.  Well, never in my life have I been smacked upside the head like I was with my prayer.  I gave my worry to God, and two days later, I received a message from Katie.  She was taking a semester off nursing school and wondered if we needed someone to watch you.  Goosebumps.  I was sure it wouldn’t work out, and then it did.

Katie comes to our house every morning at 7:30.  You light up when you see her.  She lights up when she sees you.  And I can breathe.  She sends me pictures throughout the day and I can see how happy you are.  I have become a better teacher and mother, because I KNOW without a doubt that I’m doing the BEST I can for you.  The lesson behind all of this…. just let God have your worries in the first place.  It saves belly aches, alligator tears, and a whole lot of stress.

I’ve had people tell me that they’re a little concerned about how loud you are going to be after spending the days with Katie and the nights with me.  Katie is full of life.  She is a strong Christian woman, and she loves to dress you up.  You are loved beyond measure sweet girl.

I love you,

Your mom.