Dear Paxton,

I made it through the first week.  It was questionable at times, but I made it.  I just wrote to you, but you have already changed so much since then.  Your first little tooth poked through on August 17th, and you are what seems like minutes away from number 2 coming.  You roll all over the place, but have no interest in crawling.  I’m pretty sure you will be a scooter instead of a crawler.  You like to sit on the floor and rock back and forth trying to get where you’re going.  You’ve started eating way more food, most recently, chicken and then eggs.  And the biggest change in our lives…Katie. 🙂

You loved going to daycare, and we had a really great experience last year after I went back to work.  And then summer happened.  You learned to nap in your own crib.  You learned where your comfort zone was, and I learned where mine was…at home.  I simply couldn’t let myself remove you from the place where we both are most comfortable…at home.  I had major anxiety about going back to school, and spent quite a few nights crying myself to sleep asking your Dad if there was ANY way at all, that I could stay home with you.  I was simply lost.  I knew it wasn’t really an option, but in my head, neither was packing you up every morning and having you nap in a pack-n-play and going from being one-on-one with me to a group of kids.  And then I did the first thing I should’ve done…  I let God have it.

This is probably my biggest struggle in life.  I let worrying consume me and try to have control over everything.  I spend a lot of time lying in bed thinking “what if?”  (This is something I pray you don’t get from me.)  After several nights of crying and going through all the scenarios, I finally said, “God, it’s yours.  You know my heart.  Take care of my girl.”  I asked for a sign, even though I’ve always thought that was a silly thing to do.  I’ve always thought that was silly, because I would “look” for signs in whatever I thought the answer should be.  For example, I might pray for a sign on whether or not I should accept a job, buy a new car, eat an ice cream cone (ok, I don’t really do that…you don’t need a sign to know if you should eat ice cream.  The answer is always yes.)  But I would ask for signs and then I would see a butterfly, or the word “yes” somewhere and think, that’s it!  This is what His plan is for me.  Well, never in my life have I been smacked upside the head like I was with my prayer.  I gave my worry to God, and two days later, I received a message from Katie.  She was taking a semester off nursing school and wondered if we needed someone to watch you.  Goosebumps.  I was sure it wouldn’t work out, and then it did.

Katie comes to our house every morning at 7:30.  You light up when you see her.  She lights up when she sees you.  And I can breathe.  She sends me pictures throughout the day and I can see how happy you are.  I have become a better teacher and mother, because I KNOW without a doubt that I’m doing the BEST I can for you.  The lesson behind all of this…. just let God have your worries in the first place.  It saves belly aches, alligator tears, and a whole lot of stress.

I’ve had people tell me that they’re a little concerned about how loud you are going to be after spending the days with Katie and the nights with me.  Katie is full of life.  She is a strong Christian woman, and she loves to dress you up.  You are loved beyond measure sweet girl.

I love you,

Your mom.