Dear Paxton,

I’m a bit of a to-do list queen.  But not in the practical sense.  I love to make lists, but I also love to get sidetracked on the way.  For example, if cleaning my room is on the list, I might get distracted and go through 14 photo albums on the way.  I’m also pretty popular with the “add it just to cross it out” method.  If I feel I’m not very successful with my list, I’ll add some things I’ve already done just to cross them out and feel better.  Works every time.

Whether or not we write them down, we all have a “to-do list” on life- a series of events we anticipate will happen to complete the crazy ride how we feel it should go.  Growing up, my list probably looked something like this:

1.  Have some awesome slumber parties with my friends.
2.  Eat way too much candy.
3. Run away from home.  (I may have tried this once, but always ended up at Grandma’s so I was easy to find.)
4.  Make good grades.
5.  Be decent at a couple different sports.
6.  Graduate high school.
7.  Go to college to become either an artist or a professional babysitter.
8.  Get married to a farmer or a cowboy (or simply Kenny Chesney if he was available).
9.  Adopt a couple kids.
10.  Raise my little family on a farm somewhere with 10-12 dogs, a couple horses and a pond.

It was a good start, but my list slowly started to change.  Some items became more important, while others were erased instead of scratched off/completed.

I’ve always heard that if you want to make God laugh, tell Him your plans.  I think God has probably had a couple good chuckles at my to-do lists- especially the one for this summer.      If you would’ve asked me in January, this was my to-do list for the summer of 2014:

1. Your dad and I would both get teaching jobs in Colorado before school got out in May.
2. Our house would sell and we would move out in June, right before moving to Colorado.
3. We would buy a house in Colorado, and be ready to move into it when we got here.
4. We would spend a couple days painting, organizing, and preparing a nursery for your baby brother.
5. We would spend the rest of the summer taking you around to a million really cool places in Colorado.
6. We would make several trips to the swimming pool (both because you love to swim and because I wasn’t keen on being pregnant in the heat of the summer).
7. I would start work in August and have a couple weeks to meet the staff, my students, and feel like I fit there.
8. Sometime early September, I’d go into labor at home, we’d drive to the hospital, have an easy delivery, and be home 24 hours later to start our new normal.
9. You’d quickly fall in love with your brother and we’d be complete.

Haha.  I wasn’t/haven’t been able to scratch anything off that list.  In fact, I learned pretty early on that this list was just to make God laugh.

Our big move out to Colorado went pretty well.  Grammy drove out with Jersey and Echo. Grandpa Joe and Grandma drove out in Casey’s truck hauling a huge trailer packed full with our stuff.  We drove out in our SUV (with 3rd row seating- remember, it comes in handy).  I woke up the morning of the move throwing up while your daddy packed the vehicle to its limit and got you ready to go.  We were off.  We stopped several times along the drive.  We learned that many places don’t have changing tables, that Kansas is ridiculously boring and hot, and that if I don’t eat every 15 minutes, I get crabby.  We may have already known that last one.  We changed your diaper on a blanket in the grass… multiple times.  We played countless episodes of Bubble Guppies, because you made it clear you were in fact, not going to nap.  Your dad was amazing dealing with my leg cramps and cravings.  About 15 minutes from Grammy and Pop-Pop’s house, you finally fell asleep.  But it was a time I’ll never forget, because right before you did, you said, “Mom-mom, hold hand?”

The next day we moved everything we own (except a few boxes/laundry baskets) into two separate storage sheds.  All that stuff… it’s still there, in case you’re wondering.  We moved into the basement…address number 4 for our family in a matter of weeks.  We started with you in one room and Daddy and I in the other bedroom.  It took me no time to figure out that the arrangement wasn’t working.  The dogs would get up super early with Pop-Pop and you could hear every single pitter pat above us.  I was at the point in my pregnancy where if I got woken up, there was no going back.  Between the heartburn, the leg cramps, and the overall feeling of being kicked repeatedly from the inside out, not much sleep was happening.  Your dad could sleep through a bulldozer clearing out the entire house.  Me, on the other hand, can hear a twig break 3 houses down and be up for the rest of the night. I moved into your room (which was much more quiet- thank the Lord for your white noise machine) and for the first time in our marriage, Daddy and I slept in different rooms.

We had a brief chunk of time before I had to start new staff training at my school.  In that time, we had meetings, doctor appointments, and some house hunting.  I had my 30 week appointment with a new doctor and it was clear that they were concerned with how big your brother was.  In Illinois, I was measuring about 2 weeks ahead, no big deal, I did the same thing with you.  Now I was measuring 3+ weeks ahead and they wanted to do a growth sonogram.  We scheduled it for 2 weeks later and went on our way.

It took awhile just to feel caught up from the traveling/packing/unpacking craziness.  Before I knew it,  I was headed to work.  The district I was hired with has an intensive 4 week training program from 7:30-3:30 every day.  Your daddy also started teaching summer school the same day.  We blinked and summer was over.  I was in a pretty bad mood about all of it.  I had been teaching for 6 years, did I really need to go to a new teacher training for 4 whole weeks?  I had too many things to do with you.  I had a house to find.  Grammy and Pop-Pop watched you during the days and always sent pictures of your hard work.

Jump forward to week 2 and I have my next dr. appointment and growth sonogram.  We found out that at 32 weeks, ‘little man’ was already weighing 5 pounds and 12 ounces.  I was measuring at 37 weeks and my blood pressure was really elevated. They talked about how moving to higher elevation puts you at risk for preterm labor, and I was already at risk after delivering you 3 weeks early. It wasn’t long before I heard the very phrase I feared the most- bed rest.  They were starting me on modified bed rest.  I was either to be sitting or lying down unless I was going to the bathroom.  Uh oh.  I got moved to “high risk” and was taken to weekly appointments instead of every two weeks.  They ordered blood work for pre-eclampsia and after poking me several times, sent me on my way.

I started monitoring my blood pressure at home, tried to drink even more water, and put my fat feet up any chance I got, while still going to the training.  I would come home and plop myself on the couch and it killed me.  I felt like crap physically, but I felt more like crap that I wasn’t able to take care of you.  Everyone stepped in without saying a word and all of the sudden, I wasn’t carrying you down and saying nighty-night prayers, I wasn’t changing your diapers or giving you your baths.  I wasn’t racing you up and down the deck saying, “On your mark, get set, go!”  I was just sitting there.  An extra body in the room that felt like I was slipping away from you.  We had plans, you and I, all kinds of things we were going to do before your brother came.  Memories to make and giggles to be had.  Bed rest wasn’t on my to-do list at all.

Your dad worked each day until 12:30 and then would come home and look for teaching jobs.  He was beyond stressed out at the thought of not providing for our family.  It really was hard on him and took a toll on both of us.  Each day that passed was another, “Oh crap, what did we do” moment.  We found a house we really liked and a whole bunch of ones we couldn’t afford.  Every trip to the grocery store seemed to mock us in the fact that we didn’t know if we could make it on my salary.  It was the elephant in the room, only people asked daily if he had heard anything.  My heart broke each time he shook his head no.

I went to my next appointment for 33 weeks.  They took my blood pressure and I could tell by the look on her face it wasn’t good.  She told me to lay on my left side and they’d take it again.  After two more checks, I guess she was ok with the number and I sat in that room for an hour waiting to see anyone. I could hear the doctor going in and out of the room next to me, but for some reason, I was never seen. After that long, I ended up getting sick and I was pretty much at my boiling point.  I wish they would’ve retaken my blood pressure right then.  They would’ve witnessed some incredible numbers.  I went out to tell them I got sick and to find out what was going on.  The deer in the headlights look told me that they had completely forgotten about me.  The doctor was in my room within 45 seconds.  She started asking how necessary it was that I go to work, if my due date could be off, what’s the likelihood of me not lifting my daughter and moving to full bed rest.  Hey lady, have I shown you my to-do list? None of those things are on my list.  They ordered more lab work and a 24 hour urine collection (that’s a good time in a bottle, let me tell you).  Remember when I said there’s nothing like being sick and living in someone else’s house?  There’s also nothing like collecting your pee in a jar that has to be refrigerated when you’re living in someone else’s house.  Can you pass me the salad dressing, you know, the one right behind the huge red jug of urine?

We agreed on bed rest for all but 3-4 hours a day, so I was still allowed to do half days at the trainings. She told me to not get too excited about starting the school year, because it wasn’t likely.   I was walking a thin line between making sure I was doing what’s best for my body and the baby, and trying really hard to convince all these people whom I’ve never met that I’m not lazy.  I’ve always cared a little too much about what people think of me, but the idea of appearing lazy hit me hard.  In reality, did they think I was lazy?  Probably not, but I’m a hard worker and a hard worker and bed rest don’t coincide.

With one week left of training, we started moving some things into my new classroom. It’s small and there’s not a lot of wall space, so I’m not going overboard with the cutesy posters this year.  On the day before the last day of training, July 31st, our 4th anniversary,  I went to my 34 week appointment.  They did the whole blood pressure thing again, you know… lie down on your left side, uncross your ankles, I’ll be back in ten minutes routine.  She immediately sent me back for another growth sonogram.  I wasn’t supposed to have another one until mid-August, so I was a little surprised.  The same nice technician did this one, and she remembered me from a couple weeks ago.  After a few measurements, she said, “Well, I hope you didn’t buy any newborn clothes.  He’s measuring at 40 weeks and 5 days and is already 7 pounds and 7 ounces.”  Excuse me while I go throw up, what did you just say?

When you were born, you weighed 7 pounds 6 ounces, and that recovery was pretty awful.  How on Earth am I going to deliver this linebacker that still has 6 weeks to pack on the pounds?  They think he’ll come early, and the technician joked that I’m going to have the fattest baby in the NICU. Before leaving the appointment, just for kicks, they had me do more blood work. This time they were re-checking for gestational diabetes because they said they’d never seen a baby weigh that much ever at 34 weeks, but especially when the mom didn’t have diabetes.  Awesome.   I’m afraid that people are going to think I’ve started doing drugs with all the pokes in my arms and hands.  I left the appointment and headed to meet you and Daddy for your 18 month check-up.  We absolutely loved your doctor and you put on quite a show for them.  You got an A+ in everything and you loved all the photographs of animals (especially giraffes) on the wall.  We stopped by Culver’s for ice cream and that’s about as exciting as our anniversary date was.

I finished up the training and we headed into the weekend.  Your daddy had a phone interview for a job he didn’t even apply for in one of the most competitive school districts around.  He felt good about the interview and we prayed like we’ve never prayed before.  That’s a lie.  We’ve been praying that hard since March for daddy to find a teaching job.  Sometimes God’s answer isn’t yes or no, but wait.  While mommy could talk a brick wall into hiring her, your daddy is a little more reserved in interviews.  He doesn’t understand the whole, you gotta fake it to make it mindset.  Does that make him any worse of a teacher, absolutely not…it just makes it hard to get a teaching position when you’re interviewing against professional brown-nosers.

Uncle Logan (you’ve started calling him Yolo) and Aunt Kels came to visit.  I love sharing pregnancy with your Aunt Kels and I cannot wait to watch them become parents.  I absolutely melt watching you chase Yolo around and eat s’mores with your feet up like Aunt Kels.  We celebrated their birthdays, which was a blast because you’ve started to sing Happy Birthday.  You ask to sing it all the time and when we ask you who you are singing to, 99% of the time it’s Yolo.

Grammy and Pop-Pop decided to take a little trip before school actually started.  They headed to Buena Vista, Co for 3 days and we learned even more how much we appreciate their help.  I never thought the day would come during pregnancy when I felt like I couldn’t watch you on my own, but that day has come.  When your daddy was gone real quick, I tried to walk you downstairs for your nap.  You fell down the last 4 stairs when you tripped, all because I was trying not to carry you.  I die inside every time you lift your arms up and say, “Hold you.”

We took a drive over to Cripple Creek and looked at the Choo-choos and had some delicious ice cream.  It’s hard to find things we can do where I’m sitting down and not out for too long.  Most of the things we end up doing involve ice cream…you and I both are 100% ok with that.

Monday morning came around and I had a few days off before starting school on Thursday.  Your daddy got a text message from a teacher he worked with last year that she had just got a reference call for him from some school in Colorado.  My heart leapt up to my throat.  Could this be it?  15 minutes later his phone rang with a job offer.  It was like we were able to breathe for the first time since we’ve moved out here.  It was like taking the weight of the world off his shoulders, and off mine too because I was the crazy one that insisted we make this move during such a wild time in our lives.  It meant we could possibly afford a house, it meant that Daddy wasn’t going to be working some awful job he didn’t like just to get us by.

We put an offer on that house that we loved.  It’s small, even smaller than our house at Auburn, but it felt like home.  It needs some paint, and possibly another bedroom addition.  In my head I’ve started the to-do list, but then I’ve stopped. It’s close to Grammy and Pop-Pop and to me, it’s more beautiful than those $500,000 mansions.  Screw the to-do list and just embrace the journey.  If everything goes through, we hope to close early September.  Address #5 for this summer.

I started official work Today, August 7th.  At one point, we didn’t know if I’d make it this far, and every single day that I don’t have this baby, I’m both excited and terrified!  I needed to work one full day in August to be eligible for the benefits of my new job.  I’m excited each day because it’s less time that your little brother might be in the NICU.  Maybe we’ll make it far enough that he won’t have to be in at all.  I’m terrified because I have the reoccurring fear that my water is going to break at school.  Like I’ll be shaking hands with new teachers and I’ll say, “Hi, I’m Jackie,” guuuussssshhhhh.  I’m also terrified about how big this kid is going to be.  In my new job, I get 3 paid days of leave and then the rest you have to earn.  That means I will have 3 paid days and 5 1/2 weeks of docked pay.  If I have to have a c-section due to his size, that means 7 1/2 weeks of docked pay.  The doctors have said they don’t know how long they’ll let me go with his size being such a concern, but they feel like I’ll go early on my own.  The waiting part of pregnancy is such a weird time.  Every weird contraction or kick and you think, oh crap, this is it.

I have to say, I’m pretty ok with knowing I won’t ever put my body through this again.  Pregnancy is hard, real hard.  It hurts.  Growing a baby inside of you is no joke.  Because I’m on the topic of lists, let me give you the list of the top 5 things I feel are necessary to survive pregnancy.  Maybe it will help you out one day.

1. Zofran- this is an anti-nausea medication and I live by it while pregnant.
2. A body pillow- (plus 4 other ones).  I like to think I’m sleeping in a wonderful nest of pillows, until it’s time to climb out for the 4th time to pee.  Sometimes I feel like a turtle stuck on my back and it takes me about 6 tries to throw my body in the right direction.  Still, when everything hurts, pillows are lovely.
3. Belly bands- think Spanx for pregnant women.  Belly bands are elastic strips that go around the top of your pants.  It allows you to wear old jeans that are unbuttoned and the biggest advantage is it holds everything together.  Less lumps.
4. A loofa sponge on a stick- yeah, I don’t know the technical name for this one, but if you want to reach your feet, you gotta go this route.  I’ve been trying to figure out a way to get my razor on a stick.  And finally, the most important of them all…
5. XL Underwear- yup, I said it.  I had a revelation this pregnancy, and it happened only two weeks ago.  I was wearing dresses to work and every time I looked in the mirror, I was mortified at the 6 different butt cheeks that were happening and then all kinds of other strange mountains around my waist.  In turn, I would pile on the layers trying to hide what was happening- a slip, a belly band, a tank top, whatever it took.  I was in Walgreens of all places, and threw in a pair of XL boyshort underwear.  I’ll be honest, I put them on as soon as I got in the car to drive to school.  The result= heaven.  I could breathe deeply for the first time in 8 months and some of those mountains turned into small boulders that weren’t as noticeable.  Hopefully this will save someone who is just starting the long road.  Ditch your pride, no matter what size you are, and buy yourself some big girl XL underwear.

It’s almost over.  This waiting game, the big question marks, the endless state of homelessness.  It’s not at all how my list looked.  But after this summer, I’m done with to-do lists.  Did your dad and I both get jobs before we moved out here… no, in fact, we both got jobs that we didn’t apply for, and your dad’s job came just 4 days before the school year started.  Did our house sell and we moved straight from it to Colorado… well, it sold in 2 days, before we even put a for sale sign in the yard and we moved from it, to Grandma and Grandpa Joe’s, to Grammy and Pop-pop’s in Clinton, to their house in Colorado.  Did we find a move-in ready house… no, it’s been a huge process, but hopefully, it’s almost done, and interesting that we would fall in love with a house that wasn’t listed. Do I have your brother’s nursery ready or a room for you… not at all.  Did we get to do all kinds of fun adventures this summer… no, in fact, I had bought a beautiful maternity swimsuit (is there such a thing?) back in April that I still have not put on.  The good news is, I could’ve added all kinds of things to that list, just to cross them out.  We watched you blow bubbles for the first time.  We listened to your vocabulary expand to an unbelievable amount of words.  We’ve watched you go from walking to running, which is hilarious as your left arm swings all over the place.  We bought you your first potty seat, which you like to sit on backwards.  We watched you develop the most amazing relationship with your Grammy (you’ve actually dropped the ‘gr’ and changed her name to Ammy) and Pop-pop.  While I love how much you love them, sometimes it stings a bit that it’s not me you are so excited to see.  It’s not me leaving that causes you to cry.  But… how lucky we are to know that you are being cared for by two people that you love that much?  We didn’t travel all over Colorado exploring all the sights this summer, but we sure made some memories.

I’m picking up on a trend… we sold our house without putting a sign in the yard, both of us got jobs we didn’t apply for, we found a house that wasn’t listed, we are having a baby we sure didn’t plan for….   and God is just having a good ole time enjoying my plans.  NONE of it has been easy, and none of it was on my list.  Isn’t that the way life works?

From here on out, the only items on my list are the following:

1. Love you and our family with every bit of energy I have.
2. Be the kind of woman that you want to grow up to become.
3. Show you how much God loves you.
4. Sit back and enjoy the ride- list free.

Next time I write, it will be about your brother’s birth.  How crazy amazing is that?  The ride is not over- we still will be bringing him home to a house that is not ours.  We still will be attempting to move into a new house with a newborn and a 19 month old.  It’s been without a doubt, the hardest summer I could’ve imagined, but it’s also been absolutely beautiful.  We’re blessed sweet girl, so very blessed.

I love you,

Your mom.