Dear Paxton and Michael,

We’re back into the swing of things with school, and yet, it still doesn’t get any easier to go every day. I know several women that don’t want to be stay at home moms because they enjoy working, having adult conversations, etc… I’m not one of those.  I like teaching, I like adult conversations, but my favorite thing in the world is definitely being with you two.  I cringed that first week of school when people would ask me if I was ready to get out of the house, to get a break?  I can’t get past the feeling that I will look back on my life and regret not doing absolutely everything possible to stay at home with you two.  But, if we would make that switch as a family, it would mean not having our house, not getting groceries, and not being able to ever take you anywhere because we wouldn’t even be able to afford gas for the car.  Pax, as you say frequently now, “It’s just not fair.”

And just like I tell you, “Life isn’t.”

We rounded out the summer with picnics in the park, lots of long walks in the stroller, a trip to sky zone, a visit from Gee and Papa, the zoo, an awful case of hand, foot, and mouth disease that hit everyone in the house except me, and celebrating our 5 year anniversary.  This summer was truly magical.  I love living in a place that people vacation to.  I will never get tired of these mountains or this no humidity thing.  I will say, though, there are more flies than I imagined, simply because our neighbors have horses.

I started meetings for work at the beginning of August, and before I knew it, you were both back at Ammy and Pop-Pop’s during the day. I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again, we’re so incredibly lucky.  I still text Ammy several times a day to find out how you’re both doing, even though I know you’re both having a great time.

In early September, Grandpa Joe and Grandma Connie came out from Illinois.  They stayed at our house, in Pax’s room, which meant she had 5 sleepover parties in a row in our room.  We had the best visit with them. You both were so excited to have them here and Ike took right up with Grandpa. Ike also took three steps on his birthday while they were here. It was pretty impressive, especially because I was the world’s worst mom and scheduled his one year check-up on his actual birthday.  Nothing like “Hey, happy birthday, here’s 4 shots to celebrate.”  Ike, you weighed in at 25 pounds and had a great check-up.  One of the best days when Grandpa and Grandma were here was going to The North Pole, which is the coolest little Christmas place right up the road from us.  Pax, you were our little adrenaline junkie, wanting to ride every ride over and over again.  You sat on Santa’s lap all by yourself and had a lot to tell him.  It was a great day.

On Sunday, September 6th, we celebrated Ike’s first birthday party.  It was a camping/moose themed party with a few friends, and it was a blast.  Ike, a friend of mine from college made you the cutest shirt for your birthday.  At the end of your party, it had dirt, icing, blood, and puke on it.  The true signs of a good party.  You ate way too much cake, then drank way too much water, then puked all over both of us.  Did I mention that I was wearing a white shirt and your cake was covered in green icing?  You were a hoot, and it was such a good time, outfit change and all.

Ike, at your one year appointment, I expressed some concerns to your pediatrician about how your skin was a little rough and I felt like you had started pooping way too often once we started adding in whole milk.  She said to keep an eye on it, that sometimes babies can’t handle the fat content in whole milk and need to go down to 2%.  We had been giving you all kinds of cheese/dairy products thinking it would cut down on the bathroom issues.  After several weeks of pooping 7-8 times a day, it finally hit me.  We cut out all dairy from your diet and you’ve been a changed man.  You sleep better, you’re happier when you’re awake, and you’re eating better and more now that your poor belly doesn’t hurt all the time. I hope that you’ll grow out of it, because doing everything gluten free and dairy free has not been easy.  I wonder if you’ll have some of the allergy issues that I have. Whatever the case, we’ll make it work.  Some nights, I end up fixing 4 different meals.  It’s a good thing I love all three of you so much. You are walking all over the place now, in the cutest little waddle.  Your shoulders and arms are up by your ears and your eyebrows seem to go a bit higher to increase your balance.  It makes for a pretty entertaining show.

We attempted some family pictures while Grandma and Grandpa were out.  I always have such high expectations of getting a picture shot of our family.  It’s never that easy.  I wish you both could see how many people it took to get you to even look at the camera.  This is how most of the pictures look… (and yes, I realize I was being dramatic.  The photographer in me just want a huge canvas of a perfect family picture.)

However, despite our theatrics, we pulled out a couple…

We went to the pumpkin patch a couple weeks ago. Actually, we went on the very first day it opened.  It was windy, but it was so much fun.  It’s crazy how excited I get for things like this.  Experiencing life is quite a ride, but experiencing life with two kids, it’s just the best.  I want to take it all in, show you both everything I possibly can, just to watch you live life.

Oh yeah, and Ike, you got bit by a miniature horse.  I don’t know what was worse… that I didn’t notice because I was taking this picture, or the fact that a man had to actually grab my arm and say, “I think he’s actually being bitten by that horse there.”  Sorry, kid.

I kept thinking this whole gig will get easier, and I’m starting to think it just might not.  And you know what?  We can’t sit around and wait for that to happen.  Your daddy is training for a half marathon right now, I’m taking two classes for my masters degree.  We’re both working full time jobs and then trying to give you both all the energy you deserve.  Pop-Pop just had his hip replaced, adding an extra little speed bump in life.

Pax, I’ve been told all along that you look like your daddy and act dangerously like your momma.  Only now, you look and act like me.  It’s trouble.  Your sweetness has been combined with an extra dose of sassiness.  You say the absolute funniest things.  One day when Ammy was watching you, you and Ike were laying in the sandbox and you dumped a bunch of sand into your shorts.  You turned to Ammy and said, “Is it ok to put sand in your britches?”  Ammy got you out and removed all the sand, telling you that the lesson of the day was that we don’t put sand in our britches.  You replied, “And we don’t put sand in our panties. And we especially don’t put sand in our butt fracks (cracks)!” You also asked if you will lose your teeth and then grow big teeth like me when you get older.  After explaining it to you for several minutes, you paused, and asked, “Will I grow a big butt like you too, Mama?”

I wanted you to be a pumpkin for halloween, because I thought I was a pumpkin for halloween when I was about your age (although looking through picture albums, there is no evidence of this and I might just be making it up.)  You wanted to be Marshall from Paw Patrol.  I told you that we couldn’t find any Marshall costumes and you’d need to pick something else.  Well, we let you go with us to pick out your costume, and you wondered over to the boys’ section, and there it was.  So… we walked out of that store with a 4T Marshall Costume.  You wore it the rest of the day.  It velcroes around the belly, and really is too small, but it’s what you want.  I swallowed my pride on that one. More pictures coming after Halloween.

As the temperatures get cooler, I feel a rush of excitement and anxiety at the same time.  I can’t wait to experience Thanksgiving and Christmas with you both this year.  At the same time, I just want it all to slow down.  I want to hold you for a little longer.  Both of you.  I want to be your comfort for a little longer. I want to write fewer research papers and more letters to you.  I want to do less homework and more laps around the kitchen chasing those giggles.  I want to spend less time teaching everyone else’s children, and more time reading books with my own.  Life isn’t always fair, but it’s those lessons along that way that make it all worth it.

I love you,

Your mom.