Dear Paxton, (Ike, I’ll get to you a little farther down),

I should stop telling you that you’re beautiful.

Growing up now is not like growing up when I was a little girl.  Things are changing, and they’re changing fast.

We live in a world where we sometimes don’t even look up to know what we’re missing.

We live in a world where technology is replacing face to face conversations.

Where there are no surprises in the mailbox, because it’s easier to just email or text.

Where “cat fishing” is a real thing people are doing on the internet, not just an afternoon spent at the lake.

Where an entire generation is obsessed with selfies, so much so, that the term was added to the dictionary this year.

Where bullying is a huge issue and it’s found new residency in the cyber world, making it even harder to address.

We live in a world where the media dictates our idea of beauty.

Where two year olds can compete in pageants and that’s acceptable.

Where you can pay to alter your face, your physique, your status.

In this world, there have been some pretty huge power shifts in terms of gender roles.  We are seeing more women as CEOs (your Ammy was one of them).  We have women running for the upcoming presidency.  Women are taking on jobs that in the past, only men were able to do.

We’re also seeing occasional advertising campaigns break the mold and declare the we’re all beautiful, no matter our size, shape, or color.  Dove commercials now sprinkle magazines with plus sized models embracing their curves.  It’s an interesting time, watching this all unroll.

However, in the midst of this shift, women are struggling between these split identities of what a woman should be, should look like.  Are we meant to represent a powerful and independent person or are we still being viewed as fragile and sensitive people who need to be catered to?  Is it ok to be proud of our curves or are we still trying to emulate an unrealistic idea of beauty?

The truth is, we can define those roles, and no one else has any right to decide for us.

I was going to the bathroom before school the other day and before going into the stall, I walked by 3 eighth grade girls looking at themselves in the mirror. They were frantically passing around lipstick, carefully painting their young pouts with whatever shade of pink one of them had snagged before the bell for first period rang.  They puckered and primped and it all came flashing back.

I remember being those girls.  I remember knowing that Mom wouldn’t let me wear makeup yet, so I’d borrow from friends.  I remember wanting to always go to my grandma’s house because she had a decent sized basket of makeup stashed in her bathroom under that old claw foot tub and next to several cans of hairspray. (Man, I miss that woman every single day.)  I remember desperately wanting to look older. That if only I could put on a bit of mascara and blush, that I’d magically be beautiful. I remember struggling with the decision of whether or not I could be ‘cool’, athletic, and smart, or if I’d need to just choose one.  And if I had to choose only one, would I settle for cool because in a thirteen year old’s eyes, it can probably take you further in life?

Someday, you’ll be there too.

Someday, your friends will show up to school in shorts that are too short, with carefully painted faces, and all of the sudden, you’ll be paying more attention to that cute boy in your class rather than the chapter you were supposed to read for social studies the night before. Someday, you’ll question your priorities, your looks, and even everything running through your brain at 150 mph, because that’s how our brains work when we are teenage girls.

Those three girls.  Me.  We all have such a skewed vision of what beauty is.

Being beautiful is not what you’re wearing, whether it be on your face or the clothes on your body.

Being beautiful is not how many parties you are invited to.

Being beautiful is not how many ‘likes’ you get on a selfie.

Being beautiful is not putting yourself in an uncomfortable situation to advance your status.

But, here’s what it is…

Being beautiful is being confident in the real you.

Being beautiful is being smart.

Being beautiful is chasing your passions, your dreams, and giving it all you got no matter what the world thinks of your ideas.

Being beautiful is standing up for what you believe in.

Being beautiful is showing compassion.

Being beautiful is being comfortable in your skin- however you define your ideal you.

Being beautiful is being a magnet- drawing everyone around you in because of the traits you possess deep in your soul.

Pax, when you are there, in that awful place, trying so hard to find you, and you take that last glance in the mirror, desperately hoping to put the pieces together on the outside, know that your reflection has absolutely nothing to do with beauty.  At all.

I hope you get to see a woman president.  I hope you never feel like you can’t have any job you want. I hope you put your cell phone down once in awhile to appreciate that there is beauty all around you.  I hope you leave beauty wherever you go.

I won’t stop calling you beautiful, Pax.  But, I will make sure you know that while being beautiful is multifaceted, it is not reflected in a mirror, a selfie, or anything surface level.

Dear Ike,

Your buddies will inevitably sway your thoughts on what beautiful means, what it looks like.  I’m not going to pretend that you will put more stock in what your mom says compared to what your friends say, but that doesn’t mean I can’t try.  Here’s my challenge to you.  Screw what your posse says.  Screw what the media says.  Don’t you dare spend all your time chasing the “hot girl” unless she’s also beautiful.  And don’t you dare think that beautiful has anything to do with how she looks.  Hotness isn’t exactly hotness after a certain age.  So go for long term.  Go for a girl who challenges you intellectually.  A girl who respects her parents.  A girl who has big dreams.  You are surrounded by a long line of strong willed women.  Find the one that you can uncover her beauty by building her up, treating her well and being her support system.  Be her mirror to reflect her beauty, but let her know that it’s so much more than what she can see.  Girls’ minds are tricky.  A girl wants to be ok with who she is, and at the very same time just want to be like everyone else.  A girl wants to be strong, independent, successful.  A girl also wants to be held, taken care of, and told she’s beautiful.

Since you were born, I’m talking the very first day, everyone has been quick to tell me what a beautiful baby you are.  It’s true.  When I’m holding you on my lap, and you’re bouncing away to Mickey Mouse Clubhouse or a nursery rhyme, I simply can’t take my eyes off you.  Sure, you have the most gorgeous eyelashes and some pretty amazing cheeks, but it’s so much more.  You draw me in at the deepest levels, but it’s not because of how you look, it’s because of how you are.  I hope you never lose your sensitive side.  I hope you always find refuge in big bear hugs and music.  I hope you continue to be so curious that it gets you in some sticky situations.  But most of all, I hope you recognize what beauty is, how beautiful you are, and what kind of beauty you should look for in others.

I love both of you beautiful kids with all I’ve got,

Your mom.