Dear Paxton,

Summer is my favorite season.  I love the sunshine, the warm weather, and the time off.  I told myself that I was still going to take you to daycare a day or two each week so that I could stay caught up on my photography and keeping the house clean.  WRONG.  I simply can’t get enough of you.

You have a strong heart like your momma.  You think I’m pretty funny, and your giggle is to die for.  You have this deep belly laugh that makes it sound like you smoke a pack a day!  You are ticklish to the extreme.  I find myself being absolutely crazy just because I’m addicted to that smile of yours.  You are growing and changing like crazy.  You are working on sitting up.  You can roll from your belly to your back, but not the other way.  You’ve never really loved being on your tummy, and I don’t blame you.

Everyone laughs at how nosey you are.  You don’t miss a thing, and you won’t nap if too much is going on.  You are a big eater.  We started you on avocado instead of rice cereal.  I am making all of your baby food.  So far you’ve had avocado, bananas, sweet potatoes, apples, and pears.

We spend a lot of our time in Clinton with Grammy and Pops.  You love to be outside.  Grammy always tells you that it’s you and her against me, but for right now, you still think I’m pretty cool, too.

You are ridiculously chubby, and have been for quite some time now.  The rolls on your legs are amazing.  I love summer for a million reasons, but one of them is definitely the chance to get those thighs some air!  It also meant time in a swimsuit!  I bought you a 9 month swimsuit to wear this summer.  You wore it once, and it took your dad and I about 15 minutes to get it on…when you were 5 months old.  We had to move up to the 12 month one.  Slow down sweet girl, slow down.

I love you,

Your mom.

Dear Paxton,

Those three weeks before Spring Break were hard.  Everyone kept telling me that it would get easier, and they lied.  The more you began to smile and respond, the harder it became.  When Grammy would watch you, she would walk you up to the school to see me.  I lived for those moments (and so did my students).  They adored you.  You became part of my behavior management system.  If the class made good choices, I would show them a “Pax Picture” or a “Pax Video” before the bell would ring.  This is a picture of us on my first day back to school.  I couldn’t wait to get home to you.  I still can’t.

You started sleeping through the night between 7 and 8 weeks old.  It was a beautiful thing!  I still woke up to pump in the middle of the night, but it was nice to know you were sound asleep!  You went through a couple weeks in late April where you woke up at 2:00 a.m. on the dot, but then you went back to sleeping 9-7.  We were so lucky.

Daddy was able to watch you for a week and then I had you all to myself.  Aaaaah.  Our first day of spring break together, it snowed over 15 inches.  I ended up putting my car in a ditch with you and Jersey in it on the way back from Clinton.  It shook me up pretty bad, but you slept through the whole thing.  As if I didn’t already know, I became more aware of how much you mean to me.

While I was in Clinton for Easter, your Dad hurt his knee playing soccer.  He figured he needed surgery, but was going to wait until the summer.  He was on crutches for a couple weeks and it was hard to handle things around the house.  Grammy would come over on the weekends to help clean and snuggle you.

After spring break, you were going to start daycare.  We were fortunate to have a daycare provider that we knew pretty well, and I felt fairly at ease with(I say fairly because no matter where we sent you, it wasn’t going to be me watching you).  I think Staci had to change her phone plan, because I pretty much texted her any chance I got to make sure you were doing ok.  She was very understanding, I guess I’m not the first crazy parent she’s dealt with.  She sent me pictures of you throughout the day.  You were  a big hit at daycare, with the kids, and with her bulldog, Fiona.

I would go and see you every day during lunch and either feed you or just hold you for a little bit.  I have to say, my school days changed a lot after having you.  I would go to work around 7:30, pump during any break I had, and leave right after school to pick you up.  I had to really learn how to manage my time to make sure my kids didn’t suffer from me becoming a mom.

The very last day of school was my birthday.  Your dad ended up with the day off because they had a power outage at his school.  He brought you in to our room for an ice cream party.  You loved seeing all the kids.  I was giddy over the fact that you would be mine again soon!  Here are some more pictures of you during the last several weeks of school…

I love you,

Your mom.

Dear Paxton,

Mother’s Day was very special this year for several reasons.  Last year, we hadn’t found out I was pregnant yet.  I found out 5 days after Mother’s Day.  This year, it was a whole different ballgame.  This day could easily by my new favorite holiday.  That’s a big deal, because I sure love my birthday!  Gee and Papa came up from Florida to meet you for the first time.  They’ve been going crazy to meet you, but it hadn’t worked out when they tried to come up before.  They were absolutely smitten over you.  You laughed so loud at Gee when she put your on her knee and sang “Trot a little horsey.”  It was so special to have 4 generations there on Mother’s Day.  You are more loved than you know sweet girl.

I love you,

Your mom.

Dear Paxton,

You change every single day.  I only had 6 weeks off of teaching to be with you.  Your Grammy said I need to think about how lucky I am to have that much and how great it will be to spend the whole summer with you.  I still cried every time someone mentioned going back to work.  I feel like I’ve been called to be a teacher, and I feel like I’ve been called to be a photographer, but nothing compares to being your mom.  A huge wave of jealously wrapped me up with several of my friends who were able to stay home with their kids.  It simply wasn’t in the cards for us.  We needed both paychecks to make sure you were taken care of.  

Grammy came and helped a ton during my maternity leave.  I was a nervous wreck at first.  I was so scared I was going to do something wrong and “break” you.  You were so fragile and so perfect.  I panicked at every sniffle and grunt.  You slept in a little bouncy seat in our bedroom, and then in a nap nanny in bed with us.  I would lie awake all night making sure you were breathing.  Eventually, your dad decided it was time to move you into your crib.  I would’ve kept you right next to me forever. You did awesome from the beginning.  But then I just stared at the monitor all night long.  So then your dad and your Grammy decided to put the monitor away.  You would let me know when you were hungry.  And you always did.

Here are some of the first pictures I took of you in my studio…

I planned on doing more, but the studio was freezing, so we decided to come back another day.  Here are a few of your real newborn pictures…

And these are some candids from our first few weeks together.  You spent 75% of your day asleep on my chest, and I was completely ok with that.

On Valentine’s Day, I took you to school to meet the teachers.  I planned on introducing you to my class, but we were right in the middle of flu season.  Instead, I took their treats down and told them they would meet you later.

Those 6 weeks were incredible.  I found that I function quite well on sleep deprivation.  You would nurse every 2-2 1/2 hours during the day, and would go some longer stretches at night.  In the middle of the night feedings, your dad would get you, change you, and bring you to me.  Sometimes I would nurse you in bed, and other times I would take you out to the living room and watch countless episodes of “A Baby Story” while you ate. You were an easy going baby and didn’t cry unless you were hungry or tired.

 I had 3 weeks back at school to teach before Spring Break.  Grammy and Grandma Connie were going to take turns watching you until then.  I knew you were in good hands, but going back to school was one of the hardest things I’ve done.  It’s crazy to think about how much I dreaded going back to teaching, and teaching is a job I love.  I can’t imagine how moms go back to jobs they don’t like.  There were several times I thought we were going to be selling our house and raising you in a tent because I wasn’t going to be able to go back to work.  I asked the Principal if I could teach with you in a carrier.  I assured her you wouldn’t be a distraction to my 21 first graders. 🙂

I love you,

Your mom.

Dear Paxton,

Several people came to visit you in the hospital.  Your grandparents were there, as well as your Aunt Jodi, Uncle Steve, Ben and Kim, TJ and Bethany, Jen Workman, and Ashley Taylor.  We were hoping to go home as quick as we could, but I couldn’t go to the bathroom, and required another catheter (and then another one after that…long story).  We were sent home Friday afternoon.  It was beautiful outside (especially for January), and we were excited to start our lives as a family of 3.  We were told to bring you back to the hospital the next morning to have your biliruben levels checked again.  You were slightly jaundiced, and they wanted to make sure you were gaining weight and getting it out of your system.  I had known all along that I wanted to breastfeed, but it was not an easy start.  I worried you weren’t getting what you needed, and that made me feel incredibly anxious.

Jersey had gone to stay with Grammy and Pops while we were in the hospital.  I was excited for her to meet you, because she was very interested in the whole process.  She often laid her head on my belly and you would respond by kicking her.  I knew you would be the best of friends.

Night number 1 was a disaster.  I had nothing left in my reserves, but we took turns rocking/bouncing/feeding/staring at you while you didn’t sleep.  I needed an owner’s manual, because I was lost.  The next morning we got you loaded up for a quick biliruben check, or so we thought.

I sent this picture to your Grammy when we got to the hospital.

I had no idea how “yellow” you were until I looked back on this.  We handed you over for a blood draw.  Your little feet had so many pricks in them.  In the waiting room, we talked to a couple that we had met in one of our parenting classes at the hospital.  Their little girl also had jaundice and they had to have a special light blanket on her at home. In my mind, that was the worst case scenario of the day.  And then the nurse asked us to come back.  Gulp.

Your levels had more than doubled.  You needed to be admitted.  Words like “NICU, phototherapy, neonatologist, and transferring” started getting thrown around.  Gulp.  You were new, and you were mine.  You weren’t supposed to be going anywhere except home.  They called over to St. John’s to get you in at the NICU.  It was full.  They decided to admit you back into Memorial and have the neonatologists come over and treat you there.  Your dad and I were put in a room forever away from you, but we were so thankful that we could stay.  We were told you would be there for at least 24 hours, then they would recheck and decide if you needed another day. They put you under the special phototherapy lights and we were allowed to see you/hold you/feed you every three hours.

This was the hardest 24 hours of my life.  I know that it could be so much worse and I had a healthy baby girl who was going to be fine.  Yet, somehow I couldn’t get past the “you can hold her every three hours” thing.  I was supposed to be able to hold you anytime I wanted.  I’d held you for 9 months.  I spent A LOT of time crying.  Your dad went home and got clothes for us and my medicine.  They recommended that I sleep as much as I could in the time that you were in the nursery.  They would call our room every 3 hours to see if I wanted to come down.  Are you kidding me?  Do people ever say no?  The walk to the nursery took a long time for me, as I wasn’t in great shape from the delivery.  We would hold you, I would try to feed you, and then they would have me pump.  Eventually, we had to give you a little bit of formula, because I wasn’t producing enough.  It was heartbreaking.  Not that it was poison, or it was going to hurt you, but because my body wasn’t giving you what you needed.  I was consumed with guilt.  I felt like I was failing you at my very first job as your mother.

You started to really improve, and it was amazing to see your color change.  You had some pretty great tan lines from your sunglasses.  And those cheeks, oh how I love those cheeks.  I started calling you “Cheeks” from the second day I’ve known you.  I’ll probably stop eventually, maybe when you get in high school.

You got down to 6 lbs 12 oz at one point, but started to slowly gain a little weight.  We were sent home after talking to the neonatologist and had an appointment with your pediatrician on Monday.  I felt like we were never going to have a day at home.  We got released and they asked if we’d been outside.  Of course not, crazy people, why?  Apparently there had been an ice storm of sorts and our car was frozen solid.  It was 56 the first time we got discharged…and now it was FREEZING?  I had flip-flops on, mostly because nothing else fit on these feet…

They made me put on some of those hospital socks because of the weather, but when the nurse looked at my feet she said, “I hope we have some that will fit those bad boys.”  After waiting another 30 minutes (while your dad scraped off our car with a credit card), we were on our way home for the second time.

Grammy and Pops came over and brought Jersey.  She was pretty unimpressed by you.  Things kind of fell into place.  I continued to feed you and pump, and eventually we were in business.

On Monday, we headed to your appointment and it was great news.  You were back up to 7 pounds and your color was so good that they didn’t even prick you again to check your biliruben levels!  We were asked to come back on Friday for a weight check until you made it back to your birth weight.  You were such a little thing in your car seat.

On Friday, you were back to your birth weight and we didn’t have to come back until your one-month appointment.  Now it was time to get to know you and figure you out.  And it was time to hold you….whenever I wanted.

I love you,

Your mom.

Dear Paxton,

When we were leaving for the hospital, your dad informed me that he was going to drive slow, because there might be cops out.  Your daddy has clearly never been in labor.  I kept my cool for the most part.  It’s true what they tell you, you can’t walk, talk, or breathe when you are having the real contractions.  Ouch.

We got to the hospital around 2:00 in the morning.  They checked me to make sure my water had broke (apparently people pee themselves all the time and think it’s time.)  I’m glad I wasn’t sent home with a potty lecture.  The contractions picked up and they admitted me to room 714.  They asked if I wanted an epidural.  Ummm, yes, I would’ve taken one the day I found out I was pregnant.  Now’s the time that you find out that your mom is a wimp.  Zero pain tolerance.  If you have something that will make this pain go away, give it to me…yesterday.

We got excited because I was progressing quickly.  We kept saying, “I bet this baby will be here by ___(insert every hour between 4:00 a.m. and 4:00 p.m.)______________.  I stalled at 9.5 cm dilated.  You have to be at 10 cm to push.  I was at 9.5 for six loooooooong hours before they decided I could try to push through it.  You were face-up and pretty content.  Pushing isn’t anything like you see in the movies.  It is a full body, exhausting, excruciating thing.  I threw up 6 times.  Don’t eat the popsicles they give you.

In the delivery room, we had the most amazing nurse, Kendra.  She is from Auburn, and I felt so comfortable having her in there.  She stepped out for a few minutes for lunch and in stepped drill sergeant nurse.  Drill sergeant nurse thought that if she yelled at me to push and said, “Come on, you’ve got more than that.” or “You have to be able to hold your breath for 10 seconds,” that I would in fact be able to push harder.  I’m not sure if I said nasty words to her face or just thought them in my head.  I think my body decided to slow down and not push so hard, because there was no way I was having her in the room when you entered the world.  Kendra came back, and it was game time.  There was also a resident student in the room.  I will never forget her.  She stood in the room with huge eyes, completely terrified of the whole process.  I’m guessing that she dropped out of med school the next day.

After over 3 hours of pushing, another doctor (they called him the baby whisperer) came in and was able to turn you.  At 4:18 p.m. on January 9th, 2013, I experienced the most raw, true love I had ever felt.  I love your dad more than anything in the world, but holding you was a different kind of love.  It was what I was supposed to do with my life.  The first thing the doctors/nurses said was, “Chunky monkey!”  You really weren’t that big (7 lbs 6 oz, 20 inches long), but your cheeks were ridiculously huge and wonderful.

I was so overwhelmed with these feelings that much of that day remains a blur.  God does that on purpose.  When I finally got a peek in the mirror, I realized how incredible this journey is, and also, why God helps you forget.  My eyes and face were extremely swollen.  I had burst several blood vessels in my eyes.  I looked like I had been hit by a truck.  The only evidence of that was on my phone…which I dropped in the toilet (for the 3rd time).  So, you don’t have to see your mom in her prettiest.  Lucky you.

I love you,

Your mom.

Dear Paxton,

The first time we saw you on the ultrasound, I cried the happiest cry of my life.  I knew without a doubt that you were a girl from the beginning, but we wouldn’t find out until 20 weeks. We told our parents at 8 weeks by ordering Jersey (our chocolate lab) a shirt that says, “Look Whoooooo’s going to be a big sister.”

Pregnancy was rough.  Really rough.  I could count the days that I didn’t get sick on one hand.  Some women say that they feel they are at their prettiest when they are pregnant.  I heard all kinds of words such as, “You’ll glow, you’ll feel beautiful, it is magical.”  WRONG.  If I was glowing it was because I was green from getting sick.  Don’t get me wrong…the process is beautiful.  The fact that I was growing you inside of me was incredible, but it’s not something I miss.  I miss knowing that you were protected and safe, but the swollen feet, waddle, and constant morning sickness….I’ll take the 6 month old baby over the pregnancy any day!

I showed really early.  In fact, a lady in Target asked me when I was due before we had even told people.

I constantly got asked if I was having twins or if the due date was off by a couple months.  I was sure you were going to be 10 pound toddler when you came out.  We found out at 20 weeks that….

But, I knew all along.  I had already picked out all the little girl things.  A boy wasn’t even a thought.

Every time we went for an ultrasound, the technicians were shocked at how active you were.  You liked to do flips, put your hands by your face, and even kick yourself in the head.  I started to not just feel kicks, but punches, head butts and everything in between.  You were constantly having a party… an uncomfortable party.

From 28 weeks on, I had really bad, really consistent contractions.  They told me that I would know when I was in labor, because those contractions were so different.  I didn’t believe them.  They were right.  At 30 weeks, we drove out to Colorado for Thanksgiving.  (This was my 3rd trip out being pregnant…but not this pregnant!)  Praise the Lord that your dad is a patient man.  I’m not sure how many times we stopped, in the first few hours. The air felt amazing, and I couldn’t believe that the next time we go out there, you’d be with us!

None of the teachers thought I’d make it back to school after Christmas Break, even though I wasn’t due until the end of January.  The Dr. had put me on bed rest in December for a weekend, because the contractions were so bad and frequent.  They really wanted me to make it to 37 weeks.  She recommended that I go to half-days for December and January.  I made it through December with the help of my co-workers, and told her I would start half-days in January.

On January 7th, we had our first day back with students.  We had a make-up Christmas party (there was a snow-day on the last day of school in December).  The next day, January 8th, I worked a half day and then had my weekly check-up.  I had official made it to 37 weeks (full-term!)   Dr. Stone told me that she thought she’s see me in the next few days.

Before going to bed that night, I asked your dad if he had packed his bag for the hospital. He said, “Why?  Do you think I need to?” I was laying in bed at 1 in the morning (everyone says to sleep before the baby gets here, but let’s be real, you don’t sleep the last 6 months of pregnancy) and my water broke.  I woke up your dad (he sleeps through EVERYTHING) and we loaded up the car.

I love you,

Your mom.

Dear Paxton,

The rumor is that soon you will be 6 months old.  Where has the time gone?  Before I forget one minute of this beautiful journey, I decided I need to write about it.  Someday you might read these, and know that you are, without a doubt, the most amazing thing that has happened to me.  I feel like I’ve already wasted precious time, so I’m going to give you the shortened version on how we got to this point.

I met your dad while working in Auburn, IL.  I was a new teacher, fresh out of college.  He grew up in this small town and was one of the few men in the profession.  Some other teachers introduced us, and quite frankly, he wasn’t interested in me.  I had to talk him into going on a date, and we began to call him “No Moves Tony” at the Elementary School.  Our first big date was to a high school basketball game.  Our second date was a 6 mile run the next day.  I fell in love with him quickly.  He was the calmness that my life lacked.  We dated for 9 short months and he asked me to marry him out in Central Park in New York City during your Uncle Logan’s marathon. (Logan was a little mad that your dad stole his thunder for the day). Ps… I won’t let you date someone for only 9 months before you get married.  In fact, I’m not sure I’ll let you date at all.  We’ll get to that later.

Our wedding was on July 31st, 2010 in Clinton, IL.  It was next to the pond at Grammy and Pop’s house. It was simple and it was full of family and friends. I ended up having a touch of the flu (and when I say touch…it was pretty awful, I think the bottle of pepto bismol made it in more pictures than my bouquet did), but we had a beautiful ceremony and left the next morning for a wonderful honeymoon in Jamaica.  I made your dad pull over on our way to the hotel so I could throw up in one of Jersey’s doggy bags.  I’m sure that’s how he always pictured his wedding night.

For the next couple years, I worked as a kindergarten and first grade special education teacher and your dad switched from an aide in Auburn to a jr. high special education teacher in Tri-City.  In November of 2010, I opened up my own photography business on the side.  I have always loved taking pictures, but wanted to dive into it deeper.  You have no idea just how many pictures I’ll have of you one day.

Back in high school and college, I was told that I had little to no chance of ever getting pregnant due to my endometriosis and Celiac Disease.  Fast forward though a really depressing time and knowing adoption might be an option for my future family, your dad was always supportive.  We decided we still wanted to try for a family no matter what, and if need be, we’d love to adopt.  I needed jaw surgery in the summer of 2012, and we discussed that if we didn’t get pregnant by May, we would go ahead and schedule the surgery and put the family idea on hold for a year or so.  I took a test that Monday in May feeling very hopeful, and it was negative.  I was crushed.  I am quite stubborn, and I don’t like to be told no, especially by doctors, but  I feared they were maybe right.  But then Friday came.  On Friday, I was walking through Dollar General and I got sick in the middle of the store.  To this day, it was my favorite puke ever. 🙂  I just knew that puke meant something more. I took a test the next morning, and our lives were forever changed with those two pink lines.  I took about 10 more in the next week.  I still haven’t had that jaw surgery.

I love you so much,

Your mom.